~xiiaotiing's journey~

2010-12-27T01:35:00.002+08:00

i'm going crazy soon... am i that easy to chase after or wat... why are you all treating me like that... i really hate that.... i wanna be angry with you but i can't.... i really dunno wat to do... you are not the first guy to treat me like that... but why me... why me...
this is not wat i wan... i just wan a nice an pure relationship that i won't be hurt... is it that difficult??? tell me la... is it??? i really so not know what else i can do le... why don you teach me... am i too easy to coax or lie to...
I REALLY HATE THAT !!!!!

2010-09-12T18:27:00.003+08:00

was happy to see your name in my phone when the phone ring... but when you started to speak, you said " dear can you please remove my photos, i don't like my photos to be posted on the face book"... i was shocked and don't know what to reply....
what can i say??? can i say no, i won't remove... i would still put it on... do you think I'll do that??? kind of hate that kind of feel... what are you scared of ??? scared people see or you scared 'b' to see... after that call, i really doubt about it... am i that scary or are you that flirt... no one could answer but only you... but the problem is do you think i would ask you directly??? no... not possible... i won't ask you directly... there is goes... i would start thinking and wondering this and that.... i don't like that feeling but i just can't force my brain not to go and think about it...
HAIZ....

2010-05-30T22:05:00.002+08:00

Work work work.... Is that the kind of life i want? Or the colleagues are just too irritating which made me get so tired of my workplace...

I am a person who will be affected very easily irregardless what i am doing... But i just want to like the job I'm working at... Why are you all making me to hate the centre... I just wanna try and make friends with all of you and make my life more easier but it doesn't seems so... Why must you all label me... Being more chatty with the colleague which all of you don like is that my fault...

Maybe i have to pay certain consequences on what i have already done but not to the extend that you need to outcast me... THIS IS SO NOT FAIR TO ME !!! I REALLY HATE THAT !!! DO you like someone to outcast you and make you not belonging to the "family" ???

Can anyone teach me what i can do to make myself feel better??? I really hate that feeling... Oh my god... This starts to make me go crazy soon... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...........

2010-01-10T22:47:00.003+08:00

la la la... half a year is gone and i'm back here... things are changing always but i am still standing at the same spot... things are happening too quickly that i do not know how to react... my feeling is also swaying as time goes by... i'm full of regret....

many things had been happening to me till i'm so tired right now... feel like falling on the ground and have a big cry... wondering what i have done wrong that the ending product wasn't wat i want...

firstly, relationship ended and there are many loose end that i need to keep... no one out there are able to help me and i believe if i tried my best and the loose end is still not kept, i have to give up on it... but why it would turn out like that...

secondly, my school work... there seems like things are not able to finish... when i have finished with one assignment, there is anoher one coming in... things seems never ending...

lastly, family are asking me not to befriend this not to befriend that... i know they are caring for me but i just wanna have the choice of my friends by myself... who i wanna be with who i wanna know, i wanna choose my own... if another truble out there, i'll learn and overcome by myself... i'm big enough to decide le...

2009-06-01T01:41:00.003+08:00

life as usual nothing special but holiday coming... wahahaha... no more practicum for the time being... so can kind of rest my brain because no need to thing what to teach children anymore... on the other hand, my last practicum will start Nov (if i never remember wrongly),is my last yet mot important because field sup is coming to see me and grade my teaching skill... oh my god.... wonder how i would be graded... lol... how wish i can graduate without field sup to come and view me...

it would be so stressful if someone i don't know to see me teach and some more my English is private limited... i'm so worried...

as day goes by , i go the feel that i'm getting older and older because i could see more and more younger children around me calling me teacher liting teacher liting.... before that i was still calling my teacher that... but now is my turn... oh my... time is really going so fast that i didn't realise so many things had started to change... soon i'll become auntie liting... oh no....

2009-05-08T02:07:00.002+08:00

so late in the night but dunno why suddenly got the feel to come here blog... felt so tired but yet can't sleep still need to do the stupid art statement... wonder I'm studying early childhood or studying arts... headache lor... so hard to write... guess this my first time writing and will be my last time... don wish to have one more time... guess i will go crazy soon if i need to write art statement again...

recently life seems to become a life of wait for the day to come den decide wat i will to do kind... even want o confront him but in the end i did not... too lazy and busy to do all those things le... and i see no use confronting a person when the person purposely wanna hide thins from others... wonder if i really should go and confront him and hurt myself or should i just don bother and let it just past like that.. will that be better.... like really don go how well i thought i wanted it to be... life seems a little miserable for me nowadays....

2009-03-23T11:57:00.003+08:00

Ever since last year , i feel that to maintain a friendship is not as easy as what i always imagine... Friendship can just break within the same minute when you say hi or bye to that person... A friendship which last for at least 6 years can be very good initially but after an outing, after we say goodbye, our friendship will just end right at the moment... Is it so difficult to maintain a good friendship??? If it is so difficult, how come i am able to see people continuing their friendship for decades,why they don't have any problem.... Haiz...
Recently, i could see that more and more people are breaking their friendships,what have actually happen... Izzit all because people are more into relationship rather den friendship?? Or maybe there are more reasons to that ???

2009-02-22T17:34:00.003+08:00

Life has been very different ever since i step out of poly and ever since i have bf... I do not know what is happening to my life... i find is very insecure and confused at times... can't really make any decision on myself... really hate the life I'm having now... did anything happen to me in the past? or did i choose the wrong path again?

sometimes out of no where, i would start to emo out of the sudden... it makes me feel that i am very scary...imagining that i was left i a very big box with no one there, nothings there, no windows, no window, there's only me... i feel so isolated ... for exam, i do like a lot for my course but i have no idea why when i start my practicum and go to the childcare, i will feel out of place... but maybe it's due to unfamiliar with the surrounding.. so i decided to give myself more time so that i can know people from there but guess wat.... after a 3 months in he childcare, i still feel the same... i have never feel that the teachers there had not included me in the childcare... i felt so sad and reluctant to go to childcare at times... but can i do, it's my part-time job and my part of my school curriculum...

Though from outside, people might seem that i look very happy after i quited my poly but guess wat... i'm feel even more sad after i went out with my poly frienz... eaint(the only gal in my poly class) was holding another class de gal course mate, one of my poly frienz asked me how are feeling now seeing eaint holding on the other gals hand?? have you ever tot that the person that eaint should be holding onto should be you instead of he?? at that very moment, i started to stop and think about it which made feel like crying... wat if i have continue with my poly life, will it be better or it would still be the same... i really miss the time i have spent with the group of guys and eaint... it was so enjoyable and relax at times...

i have no idea why am i so contradict at times and i guess no one can answer to my question as i myself does not even have the answer for myself.... how i wish life would not have so many things that happened to me and i won't be so sad anymore... why can't i stop thinking about things that had happen in the past and let my life goes on... but things had been flashing back whenever i see big group of people going out... how can i stop all these man... i really hate it...

2008-10-02T16:52:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was so packed with outings... First went to iffa's house to have lunch and chit chat wit shalini , iffa and edmund till like 4 plus... And i have start eating a lot of things especially those small cakes, so tasty till i can't stop eating... How i wish i can bring the whole plate of cakes home... :p In between the time when i was at iffa's house, shuzhen called me a few times to see if anybody can replace her to go to flyer because i was so blurred that i forgot to tell her that she need to reach the singapore flyer half an hour before the time we requested... Therefore she said she did not know whether she and her boyfriend can reach there by that time a not... However, i manged to convinced her to go down and she indeed try to go down early...
Around 4 i start leaving iffa's house because i realised that it 4pm dear dear knock off... Indeed he called me around 4.15pm and asked me where am i... When he knock off i was only on the bus about to go to yishun MRT station... Therefore i need to rush down to city hall because his workplace is like only a 10 mins or so travel time by MRT... As fast as i get down the bus, i started walking as quickly as i could to reach yishun MRT station so that he would not wait too long...
However when i reach city hall MRT station, i called him to asked him where he is, he said he was at marina square and he told me he took bus from his workplace to marina square and reached there awhile... Luckily was awhile if not don't know he will start nagging at me... :p
After we met, we started walking towards SINGAPORE FLYER... When we were about to reach there, shuzhen called me and ask where were we... Miracle appeared... She reached earlier than us... I was so excited about the chance of getting up the flyer but when i was in the flyer itself, i don't feel the excitement anymore because it was like kind of boring as there was nothing to do and there were also a lot of unfamiliar people at the same place as us... Therefore it was not very quiet... Around half an hour later, the trip has finally ended and we started walking the shopping area and went to newton circus to have our dinner... The food there was not bad but not very fantastic... :p

2008-09-21T21:09:00.004+08:00

haiz... it have been a long since i last blogged... i'm so damn bored... i've been at home going out doing nothing ever since i quitted poly life... everyone is busy studying or working but as for me, i'm daydreaming everyday... wake up when people is having lunch... sleep when people is about to sleep... watch tv or use computer in the afternoon and nothing else... what kind of life am i having now... what a good yet lazy life... now i'm so lazy to blog already... update again ba...

2008-07-28T11:55:00.002+08:00

haiz... long time nvr blog le... so lazy to on my com since the day i decided to leave my poly life... feel a bit lost when i step out of sp on 24/07/08.... my matrix card was taken back and i'm no more sp student anymore le... dunno why don bare to leave the school wor... maybe i started to have feelings for the school and my classmates ba... first thing when i step out of school, i call my friend and tell her i feel so weird....

wonder if i go to private school, dunno whether i will get used to that a not... hope i will and keep on going... so that i could have a job related to it... but dunno why i kind of worry for myself.. maybe i am thinking too much ba...

2008-07-07T23:00:00.002+08:00

Everything keep changing in my life.Do not know what happen to me also.Recently i kept having mood swing,keep having tiff with my parents.I'm so confused right now do not know should i quit my poly and go to private.Or should i continue with my poly.I guess I'll miss the time i have in poly if i have quited.Until now still do not know what to do with my life.My friend keep saying that I'm always so contradict, keep thinking this and thinking that about what i want.I think by now i should agree with what my friend had said.Why can't make a clear decision of what i want?? Sometimes i really hate myself about this kind of things.Why is it so hard for me to make a decision myself?? Am i born like this ? Or am i too lazy to use my brain to sot things out myself? Or am i running away from my studies. I suppose there will be people saying that i am running away from my studies. Personally, i think that i am running away from my studies , i just can't take the stress i am facing now.Maybe stress is an excuse to what other people might think. But for me, i really can't take it anymore. I also says give me one more term to trial again but i wonder for this term, whether i can go through smoothly a not. Things are always unpredictable and so unfair.

2008-06-26T23:36:00.003+08:00

today went back to sec school with edmund and see a lot of teachers... all are still very concern about our studies... teachers took special concern abou edmund's awards stuff.. haiz den i dunno wat to say le... i onli can sit quietly and dunno wat i can say.... (so boring... lol.... jkjk)

when teachers start to ask me about my studies, i also dunno wat to say bcoz i just feel so stress about my studies... but in the end, i told them so-so...but deep in my heart, i wish to say i have the thoughts of giving up... lol...but dunno why i just don feel like saying that out...

while waiting for edmund to call other teachers, i saw mr ong and he saw me... so he asked me over and asked me how was my studies... without me saying much, he like he is able to see wat i'm thinking... he says that i don suits this kind of course if he did not see me wrongly... he feels that i'm more people oriented as compared to technical studies... (somehow i agrees with wat he say) so he asked me whether i have the thought of dropping this course go change to another course which he thinks might suits me more... when he says about tourism and early childhood course,i suddenly got very hyper... he says he believe that his conclusion wasn't wrong... that was wat i prefer to study in the first place... is just that my i'm unable to hit the cut-off point... but no matter wat... i think i'll try one more term and see how... i don wish to retake my o levels so i presume that i might go into private school if i quit this course...

But no matter wat, i'll try to like course as this is a course which i have choosen myself... i believe that if i wanna continue, i will really go pass the three years... the worst thing that i will be suffering that's all... should i just let it be and continue like that?? is it worthwhile after i graduate? ?this might not be the ending i wan but it might be the best solution... should i quit my studies?? i'm so confused now... haiz....

2008-06-23T23:57:00.002+08:00

still at term 1 of my poly life and it had like past for 2 months plus le... dunno why i still can't adapt to the lifestyle of poly yet... i still have the urge of giving up on my studies... i feel kind of stress especially during tests and mst... people are trying very hard to study as they aim high... but as for me, i tried my very best to study le but yet i still don really understand wat the hell the teacher is talking about... i just hate the life i'm having now... why can't it be like the past... not so much stress as compared to now... i really miss the time i have in secondar school... can i go back to that time??? i suppose this is so impossible and people will think that my thinking is so childish but what can i do.... i really hate poly life... though in poly, i can get to know a lot of people all over the school but i can't find the happiness i have during secondary school days...

when i started wanna study , i will always thought of running away and don feel like studying...why am i like that right now??? people will always say i lazy but have they even think that why am i like that... why do i have this kind of feelings... i just feel like crying right now sia...can anyone tell me what i should do to overcome that??? can anyone teach me...

don tell me to tell my parents bcoz i think that it wouldn't help at all... bcoz they would just tell me go study lor... that's all they would say... or maybe they will say go find your senior for help lor... but which senior is so free to help me leh... non lor... i hate studying... i hate studying....